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Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
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8:56 am - Mauled . . .oh yay!
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My arm was mauled last night by my sister's dog, Snickers. He was growling at me over a stuffed bear, but I didn't think he'd actually bite me. He sometimes play bites, but last night he grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go. I didn't jerk my arm away (that would have made the wounds worse), I think it was mostly out of a state of shock that he had bitten me but he let go when I screamed. I saw puncture wounds, skin missing, and blood. So what do you think was going to happen?
My mum insists that I should forgive the dog, but I'm still angry and my arm is still sore. My step-father said he ought to shoot the dog for doing something like that, but mum wouldn't let him. It's good to see she cares more about a dog than she does her own daughter.
She said the dog didn't mean to, but that's besides the point. He attacked me and unprovoked, too. I told him to drop the bear, it wasn't like I was trying to pull food out of his mouth. But then he had to clamp down on my arm and he wouldn't let go. It hurt. I do think he feels bad, though, he tried licking my arm this morning, but he ended up licking my pajamas that covered my arm. Part of my arm is still swollen and it's sore. It's really annoying.
I don't think I could ever trust this dog again. . .let alone forgive him any time soon. I'm really quite cross about the incident last night and I know if it had happened to my mother she would be cross, too.
current mood:  bitchy
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| Friday, June 5th, 2009
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1:24 pm - Writer's Block: Regrets Only
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Since humans are animals, yes, I say they feel regret. I'm sure they do. They're not as stupid as some make them out to be.
current mood:  cynical
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| Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
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5:19 pm - The Pains of Love
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Haven't talked to Al all day. I miss him. I probably won't be able to talk to him all day, either, because I have night class. Then I have play practice that doesn't end until eleven. Then I'll probably get a shower and go to bed because I have a class at nine-thirty. Why can't love be more convenient? He knows my class schedule. Why can't he be there when I miss him the most? I wish he had never left Edinboro. I miss him and I need him. Yet I don't think he grasps the level of how much I miss him. I tell him that and he says "I miss you, too" yet he doesn't plan on coming up here until spring comes. I think he's one of the only things that is keeping me from going insane. I wish he were here. I miss him. I need him. I want him.
. . .
But he's not here.
current mood: bitchy
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2009
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1:10 pm - I've Got Sunshine In A Bag
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So apparently I'm not going to graduate this May. Silly me when I was registering for classes noticed I had 105 credits, but apparently that was GPA or attempted credits. I earned 102, and I need 18 more credits to graduate. Currently, I'm only enrolled in five classes so that gives me fifteen credits in total. My mother is having a fit -- simply over the money. Sometimes, I think she cares more about money than she does me. I'm not stupid. I know that things are rough and the economy sucks. She doesn't need to remind me and harp on about money constantly, as if I'm some spoiled rich girl who's afraid of work. It was work surviving her stupid husband's tyranny and that was something that I didn't even get paid for.
I told her that I'm sorry that I am such a disappointment and her reply is: "I'm not disappointed in you, I'm disappointed in the system." I told her they probably wouldn't let me register for another class -- but she made me try yesterday anyway and I was shot down. Then she blew me off. I had a really crappy week to begin with -- so being blown off by her of all people drove me to tears. Al ended up calling me and I felt so guilty because I was crying on the phone. He doesn't want to hear that.
Al is probably the one thing in my life right now that is keeping me from going insane. He is the best boyfriend that I've ever had, but we've been dating for little more than a month. He's a great guy. We have a lot in common -- including the fact that we both like oranges but hate orange juice. He always has the ability to make me smile, he cheered me up yesterday, he can always make me smile no matter what. He's awesome like that.
Then there's this show I'm in "Bang Bang, You're Dead". I love being in theater and acting, though, I haven't done so since my sophmore year of high school. So, it was fun being in a play again and while I'm there I feel great to be around new people and making new friends. Yet I feel this sort of disconnect when I'm around them. Like they have their own little cliques and I don't belong to any of them. It makes me wonder will I always be alone? It is my greatest fear in life that I will always be alone and alienated from everyone. I hate feeling like that and the worst part is, they probably don't even know I'm feeling like that. I bottle up my feelings and I make my face a mask, hiding the things that bother me. I know that's not healthy, but I hate making people feel bad. So the way I get emotions out is through writing, singing, dancing. Those things all make me feel better -- and swimming, too, in the summer. I hate swimming in indoor pools during the winter. Your hair gets all wet and then you walk out into the cold. No wonder people get sick doing that.
I'm not sure where life is taking me right now, but I've put my faith in God. He'll get me through this -- even if I don't think I can survive. It's hard, knowing that most of my friends will graduate in May and I won't, but I know some girls that aren't graduating until next December. I might try to convince my mum that I don't have to graduate this summer and to let me graduate in December so I can get a minor in something like she always wanted me to and I never did. We'll see what happens, I guess.
current mood:  pensive
current music: E Nomine - Die Schwarzen Reiter
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| Thursday, June 26th, 2008
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9:41 pm - The Secrets of the Dizzy Damsel
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I'm so dizzy right now. . .I have no idea why, but this feeling has lingered all day. It's terrible. I don't know what's wrong with me. I felt ill at work, too. I hope I'm not coming down with some weird virus because I could really do without that and I don't want to sleep because I slept after my 9 hr shift at work. I just want to feel better without having to take anything for it. Because I don't want to rely on pills all the time. . .
Anyway, Russell and I got into another fight last night. He drove me to tears. I have news for him. Just because I don't feel like doing something with his father does not make me lazy. It means that I don't want to do something with HIS father because he is my mere stepfather. Most people would say I should be grateful to the person who raised me when my mother was gone. But you have no idea. My stepfather has and always will be a heartless, emotionless monster who is emotionally abusive and doesn't give a damn about how I feel about anything. Which is good, I suppose, because I don't care how he feels, either. If only he could keep his stupid mouth shut -- but no, he has to keep on going on and on and being a jerk about everything. He never has a positive word about me. No, it's merely complaints, telling me to do some chore, or asking what I want because I simply walked into a room. It's like he blames me for even being born. Well, buddy it's not my fault that I'm not your daughter and I'm glad that I'm not. Otherwise I'd have to shoot myself. Seriously. Mum said I was 'hurtful' yesterday b/c I said that I called Chelsie my half-sister because that was what she was. I usually say sister, but if God wants us to be honest, then she's my half-sister. Sorry the bloody truth hurts mum, but what the hell? Do you want me to lie? I guess so, you've lied to Chelsie all these years. Why would you expect me to be any different than you? I'm sorry, I'm no liar. I do not feel right living a lie, maybe you don't care if you do, but I am not you. I am Linda and I don't want to be anything like you because your flaws are far more worse than your great points. Yes, I love you, yes, I will respect you, but don't expect me to want to be anything like you. Because I don't. You support me yet you tear me apart. You married Russell and whilst you were neglecting me for work and exercise programs he was emotionally abusing me. You say that he loves me and agree with him when he thoughtlessly says it. But I know the truth. I know better. Stop lying to yourself, Margaret. He hates me. If you truly loved someone you would not say 'damn her' when in earshot of them, you would not emotionally abuse them, you would not try to replace the father that they had never met you would admit that you were merely the substitute, you would not cry over your wife not letting you punish your step-daughter, and you would not be an over all bastard the way he is.
I can't wait until I get my license and finally move out of this place. Because when I do I'll never come back to visit him, and that's a fact. I don't want him to be a part of my life and I doubt he wants to be a part of mine, which is fine with me because I never really wanted him to be a part of my life in the first place.
current mood:  angry
current music: My Revenge on the World || Ayria
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| Thursday, April 24th, 2008
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9:42 pm - I hate -- people?
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Honestly. Today was the second day some ignorant prick that I don't even know was insulting me for no reason. He was like "Hey bitch" and then something about my hair, but I didn't quite catch it. Then he said, 'Hey ass, stick your dick up your ass' to my boyfriend. I was like 'what the hell was that about?' Because honestly, there is no need of that.
I'm so sick of ignorance and arrogance of people. I try to ignore it, though, since most people are decent to me and tell me that I'm pretty and that I'm a good person. I do appreciate it, though, sometimes insults stick harder than compliments sadly enough. I don't understand why people are so rude.
Last Saturday some stupid frat boys yelled at me as Matt and I walked past, "Hey girl, in the purple shirt, you suck!" Does it really make them feel like men to insult someone? Would it kill people to actually act as if they're in college instead of preschool? I'm seriously sick of this crap. I didn't come to college to get a repeat of high school. If you're that immature do us all a favor and drop out -- you're never going to make it in life anyway, being that immature and ignorant to everyone.
current mood: bitchy
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| Tuesday, April 15th, 2008
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12:43 pm - Sing With Me. . .tralalalala. . .
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I wonder how many new musicals they'll come up with. :XD: I love musicals. My favorites have to be Sweeney Todd (yay for revenge tragedies with lot's of blood! Whee! I still feel bad for Mrs. Lovett and how could they kill Johnny? None of his other characters really died before, it just seemed wrong!), Annie, The Sound of Music, etc.
I also have a weird yearning to watch Gone With the Wind again. I loved that movie. I've never gotten around to reading the book, though. Mostly b/c being a lit major doesn't give you all the time to do leisure reading, especially when you have four lit classes at one time. Meh. =/
Anyway, back to musicals. I love them! Not Enchanted, though, I absolutely loathe Enchanted. Mostly b/c Ariel is my favorite princess and Giselle is a knock-off of all the princesses. She's like Snow White, Ariel, and some other Disney princesses. So Lindy was ticked. XD I'll stop talking about myself in the third person now, but seriously that aggravated me. Plus, I thought it was really cheezy and I've never been a fan of movies that are both cartoons and 'reality'. Stick to one or the other, not both. I hear it's doing well and I don't understand why. Seriously to me, it's the stupidest movie ever created by Disney in all it's craptastic splendor.
-hugs Ariel- Don't worry you're better than she'll ever be.
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Sin | NIN
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| Monday, April 14th, 2008
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9:39 pm - Politics, Ugly Politics
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My goodness, Hillary, you and your husband complaining that Obama said that Americans are bitter about the economic conditions in America? Damn straight they are. I don't know who the hell they talked to, but anyone who is proud to live here in our economic debt is either blind or rather unintelligent! (No offense to Hillary fans)
I hope she doesn't win. I seriously do. Because I'm all for a woman president and all, but not her. She makes women look bad, in my personal opinion. Don't agree, well, don't snap at me. I'm entitled to my opinion just as you are yours and nothing that you can say will make me change my mind and I'm sure vice-versa and I rather not fight a useless battle (like Iraq). So please, if you're going to be rude do what your mother told you when you were like five and keep it to yourself.
That would be all folks.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Standing | VNV Nation
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| Monday, April 7th, 2008
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1:34 pm - Linda's Randomness >XD
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RACHIE says:
as long as i dont die xP
Linda ;; says:
Oh no, you can't die!
RACHIE says:
i wont
RACHIE says:
not yet anyways
Linda ;; says:
no, you must be a vampire like me and live forever.
RACHIE says:
haha sounds like a plan to me
Linda ;; says:
yup yup, and a good one, too, eh? xD
RACHIE says:
totally
Linda ;; says:
:]
RACHIE says:
best plan ever
Linda ;; says:
ha ha, whoot!
RACHIE says:
though wouldn't living forever get a little, i dunno, old after a while
Linda ;; says:
lol true
<3 Yes, I'm random but you know you love it. ;P Let's all live forever. Come on, you know you want to.
You give me the reason.
You give me control.
I gave you my Purity.
My Purity you stole.
Did you think I wouldn't recognize this compromise.
Am I just too stupid to realize.
Stale incense old sweat and lies lies lies
[Chorus:]
It comes down to this.
Your kiss.
Your fist.
And your strain.
It get's under my skin.
Within.
Take in the extent of my sin
You give me the anger.
You give me the nerve.
Carry out my sentence.
While I get what I deserve.
I'm just an effigy to be disgraced.
To be defaced.
Your need for me has been replaced.
And if I can't have everything well then just give me a taste.
[Chorus]
current mood: bouncy
current music: Sin | Nine Inch Nails
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| Sunday, March 30th, 2008
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10:30 pm - Writer's Block: Friends Forever
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I feel that I am a good listener. I try to listen to people's problems and give them the best advice I can manage. I also will give them constructive criticism if they ask for it, but I rather not do that. I just don't like it when people can misconstrue my ideas or thoughts. I am also very loyal. I tend to stick by my friends' sides through thick and thin. I just think I need to have better communication, sometimes, however, I don't like that I always seem to have to be the first to innate conversation all the time. I feel that people should want to talk to me, too. That people should care. I am a passionate, loyal, loving, and caring person and I try to display these qualities to my friends, as well. I can only hope for some return in these areas. :]
current music: Savior | VNV Nation
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| Monday, March 24th, 2008
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10:39 pm - I'm An Illusion
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I know its hard to tell
How mixed up you feel
Hoping what you need
Is behind every door
Each time you get hurt
I don't want you to change
Cuz everyone has hopes
You're human after all
The feeling sometimes
Wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though
You never belong
This feeling is not sadness
This feeling is not joy
I truly understand
Please don't cry now
Please don't go
I want you to stay
I'm begging you please
Please don't leave here
I don't want you to hate
For all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion
Trying to change you
Being like you are
Well this is something else
Who would comprehend
That some bad do lay claim
Divine purpose blesses them
Thats not what I believe
And it doesn't matter anyway
A part of your soul
Ties you to the next world
Or maybe to the last
But I'm still not sure
But what I do know
Is to us the world is different
As we are to the world
I guess you would know that
Please don't go
I want you to stay
I'm begging you please
Please don't leave here
I don't want you to hate
For all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion
Trying to change you
Please don't go }(2x)
I want you to stay /
I'm begging you please
Oh please don't leave here
I don't want you to change
For all the hurt that you feel
This world is just illusion
Always trying to change you
I truly feel as if I've never belonged. But that won't stop me from living. You're stuck with me. I'm going to be a novelist some day and whether I'm loved or hated doesn't much matter to me anymore, as long as I'm successful. That's all I really want. Not riches, wealth, or fame. Because while those things would be nice, they don't really amount to anything and it's not like you can take any of them with you when you die. So no, I'll just be content if I can manage to make it in this world.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Illusion | VNV Nation
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| Friday, March 21st, 2008
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4:10 pm - Fragments
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See the faces. Etched in stone.
The frozen faces of multitudes.
The songs of youth that sing forever.
Immortal thoughts of a myriad of souls
that echo forth and on forever and on forever.
All great things to come.
Onward now and on forever and onward now.
All great things to come.
We few, we lucky few.
Once more to the breach dear friends once more.
The hall of ages to welcome them.
The cheers of many.
The cries of parting souls.
Bravest thoughts of futures past.
The golden years.
All great things to come.
That echo forth and on forever
and onward now and on forever
and onward now and on forever.
All great things to come.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Fragments || VNV Nation
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| Tuesday, March 18th, 2008
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9:12 pm - Writer's Block: My favorite memory
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My favorite memory was actually from this fall. I was in the forest with Matt. It was so nice just walking and talking with my then (friend) and now boyfriend. I've always loved nature, too, so that was a perk.
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8:30 pm - Had Enough
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Okay, so apparently nobody cares. Oh well. I don't care. I'm content in being alone. Fed up with trying to depend on people for anything. They just let you down time and time again. Seriously.
Matt and I were better today, just in case anyone was interested. Today wasn't bad, at all. He didn't seem as bad today, and he insisted on taking me to Max and Erma's which is like my favorite restaurant. So no complaints here. Which I doubt. Oh well. I seriously don't care. I've had enough today and I'm just not in the mood.
Crapola essay I should be writing and I think I'll go do that since it's due tomorrow and I haven't the ambition to start it. Stupid Nobile and her stupid two 20 pt. essays. As if those stupid journals she makes us write isn't bad enough. Seriously, that lady is wacko and I hope I never want another class with her.
Wish that I wasn't always alone save for Matt and Charity, sometimes, but you know. Some people are your true friends and then there are those users and those people you seem to fade from their recollection completely. Whatever. I'm not going to try to reach out to people who are too busy for me or just don't care.
Adios, Mi Amigo(a)s.
current music: Never Be Mine || Kate Bush
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| Monday, March 17th, 2008
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11:16 pm - Drained
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I don't know what to do. My boyfriend's depression is emotionally draining and he tells me to give him a chance. I'm trying, but I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on. I just can't cope. I have stresses of my own to top that and I can't handle an emotional wreak. I try to make him smile -- it doesn't work. He just looks at me like I'm an idiot and it makes me angry and withdrawn. I wish that he could just be happy. I know that depression doesn't just go away, but I wish that I could make him happy.
Neither of us are happy, and he was like, "I'm sorry I can't make you happy anymore." I didn't reply. I can't help that it's true. He just saddens me. I'm usually quite happy and bouncy and in a good or at least calm mood and yet when I see him, it's like a dementor is sucking out my soul. I swear. I just don't know how to help him. I suggested mediation. He says that he can never clear his mind. I suggested prayer and he was non responsive. I don't know what to do. I hope and I pray that things will get better all the time and yet it seems that he's always sad. I wish that his happiness didn't depend so much on the weather and the classes he was taking. He's had a hard life and he says he's been depressed for a long time, but last fall -- when we first met -- he didn't seem that bad. Now it seems that it's all falling apart at the seems and I keep on holding on, but I sometimes wonder if I should.
I know that's wrong, and I do love him. But sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes when you truly love a person you have to let them go, and yet I know he wouldn't let me go easily. He said today he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he screwed this up. I felt rather heartless when I thought "you already have". I know he doesn't mean to be depressed, but it's emotionally taxing and on top of my classes, I don't need that. I need an emotionally stable person, not someone whose cynicism and negativity are going to weight me down. Yet, we're still together for now. I only hope that things get better. Please keep us in your thoughts or your prayers because I'm so lost right now that I don't know what to do or even what to think of all this.
I wish I didn't worry so much. Yet I do. I've always been like that. I just wish I could worry about my classes and not have to worry about him, too. I know it's normal not to be happy all the time, but he's so mind numbingly depressed that it's just draining in every way and I just don't know how much of this I can take.
current mood:  drained
current music: Solitary || VNV Nation
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| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
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2:54 pm - London Is A Vampire
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Well, a lot of things have happened since I wrote on here last. I know I don't write in these journals near enough, whether it be on DA or livejournal. I just never seem in the mood to blog. I would rather work on my rps or on a story, it seems.
Well, I'm now with the most wonderful guy in the world, I swear. His name is Matthew, and it's been the first time in two years that I've dated anyone, so it is a bit exciting for me. (We've been dating for a month now, Jan. 16 it will be two months.) I don't want to break the poor boy's heart, I'm the first girlfriend that he's ever had. He's a perfect gentleman and doesn't try to pressure me into anything. He's a bit clingy, though, and I'm a bit independent. But I bite my tounge when I feel like saying something sarcastic like 'okay, you can let go now. I can barely breathe.' Because I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable and I am a bit too independent for my own good, I suppose. I do love the guy, though. He's sweet, intelligent, funny, and caring plus we have a lot in common. What more could a girl ask for?
I met his friends, too. Most of them seem nice, though, there was one that was really annoying me at the New Year party. An obnoxious blonde, but hey? What's a party without an obnoxious person, I suppose. She was just annoying me. Perhaps I'm too conservative, but I am accepting. I don't care what your skin color is, sexual preference, whatever. Hate the sin, not the sinner. I'm a Christian, but hell. I'm not about to preach to someone. I'll always be there for my friends but I will not have a licence plate like 'you repent' because that fire and brimstone, I've found turns people off. I was even appalled when I heard someone tell me about that plate. Honestly people. But to each their own, I suppose. If it helps her sleep better at night to know that she's annoying people rather than causing salvation. . .well more power to her.
I'm so sad that Harry Potter is finished. Ah, well. It will always live on in the rps that I participate in and the fan-fics and the pictures. It's just really sad, I think. I need to find something else to read, I've been reading a lot of poetry lately.
Oh, by the way. . .HAPPY NEW YEARS! ^_^ May the new year bring good things for us all.
current mood:  chipper
current music: Song For Clay (Disappear Here) || Bloc Party
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| Sunday, October 21st, 2007
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11:54 pm - W-T-F?
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Everyone seems to be having a hay-day since finding out that Dumbledore was gay. JK just had a public interview or whatever. There's now a group on facebook claiming 'If Gay Marriage Was Good Enough for Dumbledore, It's Good Enough for America'. WTF? When did it say that he was in a gay marriage? >.>
It's a sticky topic since I have a few gay and bisexual friends. Honestly, it's not that I don't believe that they don't deserve rights or to be treated like human beings. But sometimes I think people push the boundaries a little too far. Taking the values of a fictional character and placing them on a whole society is a bit much in my eyes. (Sorry Rachie, this isn't meant to offend you, please don't hate me.)
Yes, fictional characters do represent society in different ways. But it was never written into the books even as a core value. It was like JK just got fed up with people and suddenly decided that she was going to make Dumbledore gay or something. Not that there's a problem with that, it just seemed rather aburpt.
And, of course, it just came out yesterday and everyone's already going crazy about it.
Not changing my Canon list for my site, since I wrote it before the report came out. I was a Minerva McGongall/Dumbledore shipper.
/end rant
current mood:  cheerful
current music: Revenge - Madonna
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| Sunday, October 7th, 2007
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4:41 pm - Time For An Update
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| Thursday, October 4th, 2007
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3:37 pm - Feeling Hollow
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Well, while it hurts that I'll never have Dominic, I've come to the realization that I won't. So therefore, while I know I'll never totally get over him, I know that I have to move on. Upon coming to this conclusion, I know feel calm, a little twinge of heart ache, and hollow. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing or not, but I'm relaxed. I know that maybe someday I'll meet the right guy. Maybe not. I'm sick of worrying about romance and love. I've stayed a virgin this long, I've been strong all these years, what's a few more or even an eternity? I can function well enough on my own, I'm not dependent on anyone and I am independent (perhaps a bit too comfortably so. . .) and will survive with or without a male by my side. With or without love, I will survive. It's programmed into my very body to survive. Love, however, I'm cutting out. If I can do without it, why should I have it? I will find it, if God truly smiles upon me having it. If he does not, then I won't. Simple as pie, I'm sick of worrying about marriage. I'm twenty-one for Pete's sake and college, I shouldn't have to be worrying about who I spend the rest of my life with. Honestly, I don't know if I'll meet that person here. Does it really matter? No. Love will come knocking someday or keep overlooking me. Either way, I am fine. I will survive.
I am shy. I know this. Want to know why? I feel like I have to get this all off of my chest, so I'm sorry for the rant. One) My step-father used to refer to me as 'ugly', 'stupid', 'lazy', and 'fat'. So that didn't exactly help my self-esteem, it only made me hate him. Two) People in school were always cruel to me emotionally insisting that I was 'gay' (as in uncool), 'fat', 'useless', 'ugly', and 'too sensitive'. As an artist, I am a sensitive person. I'm a writer of poetry and hopefully of successful novels, writers are artists, and I'm sorry if I can feel. As for being fat, well, maybe I am. I don't think so, though, as I've seen plenty of girls heavier than me and they aren't called fat by the general crowd like my high school publicly humiliated me. 3) My own mother called me fat and insisted that she was thinner than me or her wedding day. 4) My mother neglected me and left me in the care of my step-father often so she could work extra hours or go to karate or to go running and exercising. This nursed my opinion that I don't matter and my hate for business women and exercising in general. Not to mention she paid/pays more attention to Chelsie than to me. 5) My whole family talks over me at times, when I try to speak which wounds me in ways that they'll never know. I can't even finish my bloody sentence! Well, thank you for that! 6) Whenever I tried to reach out to people, I always seemed to find the wrong ones and they ended up making me feel worse than I already felt or completely ignored me. 7) All my bad experiences with guys, especially TJ because that made me distrust people especially men in general.
So there you have it. That is the reason why I'm shy. I fear rejection. I fear further persecution. I fear further humiliation and getting hurt even worse than I am now. I know that I am anti-social, but did you ever figure why I fit the lable. I was emotionally hurt in many ways, and forgive those that have been physically abused; I know it hurts. But emotional abuse not only hurts, it scars you sometimes for life. That's why I'm so timid to meet new people, why I'm afraid to talk to the friendly guy across from me in class. I fear that people are out there to hurt me, which is silly I know, because not everyone is like that. I know that, but I'm too afraid that I'll stumble across that sort of people that I lurk in my room. However, most of the time I have no problem with that. I have my rps and my internet friends to keep me company, but a small part of me longs for a bit of human interaction every once in a while that I just try to repress because 'people suck'.
I know I should get over it, I should be repulsed by this behavior of mine. But humans cling to old habits, and old habits are much more comfortable than new ones. I don't know if I'll ever get over my fear completely, I'm trying to get over it slowly. I do have a few people that I socialize with in my classes now, so I think it's a little better than it used to be. Also, admitting you have a problem isn't nearly as hard as solving one! Not that I should make excuses, but after twenty-one years of this please forgive me for not wanting to break the mold.
As for what's going on in my life, that's all the major things. I mean, yes, I have classes and everything else but I don't think that's worth talking about and I get along fine with my roomie. Not to mention to the dye is lightening now. It was low-lighted with purple streaks throughout and then all my tips were hot pink. The purple was a weaker brand and so it washed out to look pink, and the hot pink is becoming less dark. That's all.
I ♥ all my friends and my lovers (=P)! Hope you all have wonderful days that are relaxing and good. Because you all deserve to be happy. I would hate for any of you to be in the same boat as me.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Confessions || Madonna
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| Friday, September 28th, 2007
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3:59 pm - Well, then. . .
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I love him. Even if he doesn't notice me. Even if he has a girlfriend. I love him. Even if I can't talk to him. Even if I'm too shy. I love him. I've loved him since I've laid eyes on him. He's gorgeous, intelligent, and way too good for me. Yet I can't get him off of my mind. I love him. I don't care if it's silly, delusional, and pathetic. It's the truth. I can't get him off of my mind. I wish I could stop thinking about you, Dominic, but I can't. He's handsome, intelligent, talented, and a nice guy. Seriously, why do I always fall for the one guy that I'll never have a chance in hell with? I don't know, but ever since my freshman year of college, I loved him. . .
There have been a few distractions, but I realize now that I've loved him and I still do. Pity that he'll never feel the same for me. Not when he can have every pretty girl at his beckoning call. Let's face it, I'm no Angelina Jolee. So what if I'm pretty? I'm not pretty enough for him. And what sucks the most is I don't think he even knows I exist. I hate this, I feel like cursing my mind. I know the best thing to do would be to forget about him, but I can't.
I love him. I know I've said it so much that it probably diminishes the meaning in your mind, but it's the honest to God truth as pathetic as it may seem. All I want is a chance and I know I'll never even have that. Why do I need love? Why? Why do I love him? Oh, why wouldn't I? Love, I hate love.
current mood: drained
current music: Forget December - Something Corporate
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veritaserumvial's journal
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